Music Makes Me Lose Control,

sleepy, thats how i am.
slept over at jack's last night... colin was over for a bit, it was fun. :) we watched signs, which was dumb. the little girl wouldn't drink her water! then CVD went home, and we forced lara to watch The Strangers   with the lights on. "I"VE JUST SEEN A FACE!"     then we went upstairs, made monsteralla sticks, watched sex in the city and friends.    heres how it is:  

lara= phoebe.  jack= monica.  eva= rachel.  mark= joey.   colin= ross.  lorenzo= chandler.

FUNNY. :D
so ANWYAY. it was a god night., fun stuff. jack and colin are so awesome together, its awesome. 

but i don't really feel like writing right now, im watching the OC and im enjoying it.

BUT, i should write about this. Lorenzo likes me, as various people have told me. But i didn't really believe it until now. and now i believe it. and i see him tomorrow and im not sure how i feel about that. so im just going to take it all in stride and not really think too much of it. i don't even want to date. but at the same time i do. because man, it's been forever. im thinking its time but im unsure.

also, guess whos going to BC this summer? THATS RIGHT, EVAS GOING TO BC THIS SUMMER. :) im going to Nanimo to hang out with denise for the first two weeks of summer, to babysit brigid and go to concerts and do hippie-ish stuff with weesie. isn't that wickedly exciting? Yes, my friends. It is wickedly exciting!  I'll take lots of photos, eat awesome food, go awesome places, do awesome stuff, and then I'll finally get facebook so I can awesomely share it with everyone. :D

BUT, OC"s back,

xoox.

evah,

SONG OF THE DAY:    Hate my life- Theory of a Deadman =]

so, we decided not to go to church this morning. mom's really sick. i think i'm sleeping at jx tonight with lara, but colin made a huge deal out of it so who knows. :D so i got up early, took a shower, realized we weren't going to church, and then promptly decided to make food for mother and i. needless to say, the omelette i made isn't nearly as good as the other ones i've made.

thats luke duckwalker, btw.  he was just chilling out, i put him there so i can bring him to k on tuesday but, he snuck over.  

SO.  i've decided today shall be a music day. im gonna complie a playlist of my latest and greatest musical indulgements. :)

here goes,


dear maria count me in- all time low
the girls a straight up hustler- all time low
hit the lights- all time low
jasey rae- all time low
memories fade like photographs- all time low
poppin' champagne- all time low
remembering sunday- all time low
shameless- all time low
stay awake (dreams only last for a night)- all time low
never take friendship personal- anberlin
hands and feet- audio adreneline
i've just seen a face- the beatles
she wouldn't be gone- blake shelton
anthem part 2- blink 182
i miss you- blink 182
i'm lost without you- blink 182
she likes me for me- blink 182
a friendly goodbye- bowling for soup
evrerything- buckcherry
3am- busted
everything i knew- busted
honestly- cartel
if i were to write the song.../get through this- cartel
keeps getting better- chrstina aguliera
in my place- coldplay
shiver- coldplay
swallowed in the sea- coldplay
accidentally in love- counting crows
love remembers- craig morgan
stole- dashboard confessional
crush- david arculetta
i will follow you into the dark- death cab for cutie
soul meets body- death cab for cutie
my beloved monster- the eels
wicked little girls- esthero
think of you later- every avenue
i don't care- fallout boy
almost lover- a fine frenzy
catasrophe- forever the sickest kids
you found me- the fray
cheated on me- gavin degraw
lifestyles of the rich and famous- good charlotte
the river- good charlotte
name- goo goo dolls
without you- hinder
fortress- hope
lighthouse- hope
lighthouse- the hush sound
speeding cars- imogen heap
banana pancakes- jack johnson
better together- jack johnson
breakdown- jack johnson
bubble toes- jack johnson
cookie jar- jack johnson
enemy- jack johnson
hope- jack johnson
sitting waiting wishing- jack johnson
sleep through the static- jack johnson
taylor- jack johnson
hammers and strings- jack's mannequin
holiday from real- jack's mannequin
into the airwaves- jack's mannequin
kill the messenger- jack's mannequin
the lights and buzz- jack's mannequin
rescued- jack's mannequin
the resolution- jack's mannequin
swim- jack's mannequin
im yours- jason mraz
we all roll along- the maine
dusting down the stars- mobile
broken strings- james morrison ft. nelly furtado
may angels lead you in- jimmy eat world
love lockdown- kanye west
thinking of you- katy perry
let it rock- kevin rudolph
suddenly i see- kt tunstall
unbeautiful- lesley roy
you belong to me- lifehouse
leave out all the rest- linkin park
come on get higher- matt nathanson
cross my heart- mariana's trench
sunday mornings- maroon 5
this love- maroon 5
black cat- mayday parade
i'd hate to be you when people find out what this song is about- mayday parade
if you wanted a song written about you, all you had to do was ask- mayday parade
jamie all over- mayday parade
jersey- mayday parade
just say you're not into it- mayday parade
the last something that meant anything- mayday parade
one man drinking games- mayday parade
walk on water or down- mayday parade
when i get home, you're so dead- mayday parade
all you wanted- michelle branch
breathe- michelle branch
together- michelle branch
more like her- miranda lambert
where i stood- missy higgins
first day of the rest of our lives- MXPX
shattered- O.A.R.
wonderwall- oasis
you're gonna go far, kid- the offspring
northern downpour- panic at the disco
when the day met the night- panic at the disco
that's what you get- paramore
when it rains- paramore
scar tissue- red hot chili peppers
under the bridge- red hot chili peppers
what to bury, us or the hatchet?- reliant k
angel- sarah mcLachlan
like a knife- secondhand serenade
a twist in my story- secondhand serenade
why- secondhand serenade  
breathe me- sia
hurricane (weather patterns)- something corporate
konstantine- something corporate
miss america- something corporate
watch the sky- something corporate
sunsets and car crashes- the spill canvas
the tide- the spill canvas
don't look in their eyes- stabilo
cute without the e- taking back sunday
make damn sure- taking back sunday
theres no i in team- taking back sunday
you are so last summer- taking back sunday
heaven- theory of a deadman
hello lonely (walk this way)- theory of a deadman
not meant to be- theory of a deadman
calling all angels- train
when i look to the sky- train
american psycho- the trews
paranoid freak- the trews
sometimes i just go for it- the used
we are going to be friends- the white stripes

SO. mainly hitting all time low, jack johnson, jack's mannequon [ I <3 jack.] mayday parade, something corporate, taking back sunday. :)

i gtg, im on the phone with lara.      and i have homework to do, and cleaning, and i need to do some laundry.

i love lamp,

evaaaah.

Again, it's been too long since I wrote in here. Right now, I'm sitting in the basement, listening to the GooGoo Dolls, mostly feeling content. Since I've last written, Shay left. And came back. And left again. So I got sick of it, and I left this time. And I haven't gone back because he's not worth it. I chose the title for this, by copying what I would say to him if i went back. BUt i'm not going back.  HIves assigned a monster project last week, It's due in two weeks, I'm not sure I'll get it done. Oh well. Lately I've been just chilling out. I fell for Mark really hard; as soon as he started hanging out with us, I knew I was going to like him. He plays guitar, he watches South Park, he makes fun of gingers, he holds the door for me, and he's got a bunch of little siblings. Here's the problem. He really likes Lara. And, she really likes him. So he asked her to semi, and I didn't say anything. When I finally told her, she got really upset, cried to a LONG time, got RELLY mad at me, but we worked it out. The weekend after, her and Ryleigh threw a surprise beeday party for me with Mark, Gil, Hannah, and Abdallah. it was amazing, until lara got mad that I was talking to mark, and she left the room and started crying upstairs. That kind of busted the whole party up. Two days later I found out that after that, when I went up to the kitchen and she was in hte basement, she kissed Mark. That hit home. And it hurt. And it's still hurting. I guess it's only been a week. But... it took me almost six months to get over Shay... and when i finally found someone I liked as much, he liked her and ... i don't know. Its as if the whole world is consipiring against my happiness. I know that's totally paranoid but thats how it feels. Anyway. I still hang out with him, we sit together on the bus, he holds the door open and makes fun of me for being short, but it sttill hurts that he likes her and not me. I'm still wodneirng how long it will be before I'm happy again. Hopefully not too much longer.

Anyway,   this week is packed. Working on that project mostly. Wednesday is my bithday, finally 14. :) Friday night Lara and Ryleigh are coming over... we're going out to the Barrel and having a sleepover,  YAY.

ill try to write more often now.

xo,

evaa.

woow, i haven't posted in a long time, i can hardly even remember whats happened since the last time i posted.

ok, it was before fair.
fair was great, but lara was dating that stupid mexican, altho he left us alone. we lost in grandstands to SCS and Delhi.. like, wtfffff?  haha.    anyway, i spend most of the day with ashley and/or lara... brynley and andy at night which was chaos because they were wasted.  it was a fun day, though.  ive been really busy with schoolwork lately... and hanging out with lara alot.  ALOT. :) I STARTED READING THE TWIliGHT SERIES. AND ITS AMAZING. SO WHOEVER YOU ARE, READ THEM. Shays been nicer lately, i still misss him but i think i kinda like Richer a bit.  I'm not really sure if i want to get into a realtionship because... if i can't be 100% for them, if im still attached to shay, is it really fair? not really, not to whoever id be messing with.   for halloween, hannah, lara and i were ninjas. our costumes were super amazing. i think everyone was coveting them.  that was friday... friday night, lara and i drank alot of jones and ran around yelling at random people. and took some cool pictures, which i have yet to upload.  saturday we went to brieannas at night and there were a bunch of us there, it was really fun. thats where i kinda started liking josh, somehow.  deja vu back to grade five, eh. =]  so, that was a good weekend, but yesterday i got to school.. and during second period i got really dizzy, and then i got sick. so i went home. and this morning when i woke up, i took  shower, and then i puked my guts out.  so, ive just been chillin at home all day, mostly sleeping and reading eclipse. :) OH. and, watching CMT. that makes me cry a bit, as does that tell-tale smell of vic's vapor rub that reminds me of the arena thats eminating from my chest but       tears are ok.

                                       mmm, i can't miss him anymore. its unhealthy, it'll have been five month pretty soon.
                                                         just.                    
    baby, why'd you leave me? why'd you have to go? i was counting on forever, now i'll never know.
i can't even breathe.

it's like im looking from a distance, standing in the background, everybodys saying 'he's not coming home now'
this can't be happening to me,
this is JUST A DREAM.


 e v   a , x

boys boys boys. i can't stand them. they make me laugh, they make me cry, and even more so, they make me want to die.  im not even sure about eryk anymore. it's like ... he likes me but he doesn't wanna go out? or he likes me but not like that? or he really does like me, he just doesn't wanna end up like me and shay? I could post all the conversations, say all the words that were said but no amount of words can explain this; atleast, not the ones i have.    ' lara's was great... i went there around 2, Brady showed up 20 minutes later and Lara was surprised. =] we ate a TON of chinse foood... wrapped brady entirely in toilet paper (again, pix later.) and watched Prom Night and Mad Money. We went to see Burn After Reading on Sunday but we left halfway thorough becuase it sucked. no plot progression, no character development = crazy bad movie.   shay messaged me last night and said sorry for being a jerk. i think he's actually trying to change.   

oh and ryleigh was really sick so she didn't come to lara's. ):
 
♪ now i can't remember why i let you in again to get under my skin and every time, you disappear. ♫
  that pretty much sums up how im feeling about shay right now.


immout.   those photos are not cooperating.

e v a x

so i told eryk that i liked him ,  and he likes me back. :) but he doen't wanna end up like me and shay.  WE'LL FIX THAT.   today was okay; ricardo was being ricardo. i was pretty happy.
anyway.
i just came on to post a few photos.
and say that this weekend will be busy.
it's laras bday... she's coming over tnight, to youth... im hanging out with her and brades tomorrow (but she dosn't know he's coming yet. :)) and then ryleighs sleeping over and we're partying all night. WOOP.

so thats my weekend.
and homwork.
blah.

heres the photos.

nvm.

posting later.

Today was good. I got back my geo test... 26/27.  English was coooooool, Lara sits in front of me now. =] chyea, dood. we just talk alot. At lunch ... Richers back from Vegas so he hung out with us, even though Dylan ditched us. Art was hilarious; Ricardo was having a 'retard' day. So we acted retarded the whole time. But i drew a pretty good sketch of a person, i might post it later. I also got the photos from lara's the other night. In french i got perfect on my test WOOH HOO but   

CRAP i have to go.
piano time.
more later??

evamaRie8 x

ps tmw night is colour night at school, GO WHITE GO!!! :D:D :D

i found the perfect song to remind me of shay. it's called Save You by Simple PLan.. I'll post the lyrics in a sec. I don't have much time, I'm going to the movies with lara soon. last night at her house we did crazy dance makeup; white face makeup, and black eyeliner, and red and black lipstick.  it was super. i'll post pix later. her birthday is next weekend... she was upset about brady not being able to hang out yesterday so now we're gonna surprise her and he's gonna show next weekend for her bday. :) awe bradys so good to her. the more i talk to eryk, the more i like him. i just don't know how to tell him. this week got better btw; i met a few people, and friday i went to jack's which was awesome, i got to see daniel who i missed dearly. ashley and shay are friends now but whatever its ok i don't care as long as he's not dissing me.

i gtg, food time.
xox

eva, x

why is everyone else enjoying highschool so much? becuase personally, i didn't like it. lara seemed to be having a great time but from the minute jessie walked into homeroom and completly ignored me, i knew it might suck bad. i couldn't sleep last night. dylan sat with me in art, which was ok.  at lunch lara and i ate with nikki for about 5 minutes and then we picked up hannah and the four of us wandered around for the other 70 minutes. i took the bus home and when i got online... well let's just say ive talked to five people since i got home, and three have metioned shay.      apparently he asked julia about me.  i don't even KNOW.


im gonna go.
im scared to call lara, kind of.


shiiiiiiit.
i HATE change.

eva, x

i would generate large amounts of cash. and then i would travel to every single country on earth. and eat all their foood.   =]

eva,x

Leona and Max's wedding was da bom. I hung out with her cousin from the other side for a bit; his names Devon, and I do believe he's gonna be in my english class next year. =] The ceremony was really hot and uck, i was wearing a halter and the sunburn on my back was peeling. [ew] but Then i rode to the hall with denise, and brigid, and set up there for a bit. Dinner was fun... and then after we danced around and stuff and talked about everything from spoons to nascar. We didn't get home until 12:30, and i stayed up until 2 reading. oops. Mom came in to get me up for church this morning but i faked sleep and she left me alone. Lara's coming over soon. =] =] I think we're gonna go see the House Bunny matinee and then go to her house for dinner? Yeah. !!
and also possibly hang out with bradyb because he's back from Darien Lake today which means PARTY A LA LARAA. :D:D:D

anyway, i should get going.
soup time.

oh and for laras bday, the 14th....    im gonna get her that rainbow beanie from The Circle Game she loved so much...  20 bucks to reimburse all the slushies she got me this summer... and,...  i gotta find something really cool.  ill find SOMETHING.

eva ,x

a good way to save gas right now would be to make like a ninja and RUN.

Got up late today.  I finished Stupid and Contagious. I was up late reading My Sister's Keeper. It's actually really good. Normall Jodie Picoults books all have the same themes but she has a way of writing that makes me not want to put the book down. We got the wireless router... it's super de dooper. Except Joe's been using it every waking moment since we've got it; this is the first time in 24 hours that i'm so much as touched the laptop. :) finally.   today is leona and max's wedding; so im wearing my grad dress for some strange reason. Mom and i had this huge blowout becuase she looked for my shoes [which she last had] for half an hour and couldn't find them, so she got mad and said I had to look for them. I looked for 5 minutes and found them. Figures.

I have to go though, getting ready for the wedding. we're leaving for burford at 2:15... the wedding is at Max's parents place at 3. There's a dinner at 6 so we might come home in between but we don't know yet.

Lara gets home today. Eryk got home last night from Kingston. He was all dizzy because he was on a boat all week. Gotta love that kid. =]

oxo.


eva x

i would totally try and get shay back.
as if it'll ever happen. 
but if i knew hed get back together with me for sure, without fail, that's what i would do.
either that, or id try to make bazillions of dollars.  $]

BRANTTFOOORD TODAY? I must get school supplies and also jewelry to spice up that stupid uniform i have to wear a la Holy Trinity.  And a wireless router so im not confined to the chair when im livejournaling; i can go outside or sit on my bed or even pee as i blog.   

hooray.


e v a x .

I was sleeping quite peacefully last night, it was great. Then dad called at 10:20. Not even to talk to me, after a whole week of no calls or emails. He just asked me quickly about my soccer game, and didn't seem interested in ANYTHING else i told him about that week. I barely even told him anything. Then he asked to talk to mom. Obviously she wasn't home becuase I picked up the phone after 10 rings. So i sad 'you're asking to talk to mom, and you haven't even called or emailed me at ALL this week?' and he said 'sorry i have to get back to work.. love you' *click*    ASSSHOOllleEE.  </3

funny, he spends more time out of my life than in it and he expects to parent me.
nice idea dad, really gonna work.

e v a x

we won our soccer finals. the bittersweet victory has nothing to do with that. sunday we went to grandmas, because brigid and denise are here.  Monday, i went to the library with Lara, then to Brady's game, where that victory happened.  I was texting shay on her phone and he asked if he could come to the game. I figured he was kidding because he used to kid around like that. But five minutes later, he showed up. and i started crying. so he put his arm around me.  and that was ok. and we talked; i told him about everything and how i felt and we just hung out. before he left we were standing in the parking lot alone... he asked if he could hug me... i said ok because if he was asking i really had nothing left to lose. and then he whispered he missed me.  and i said 'please please please can you come back ill make it work i swear but i really miss you' and he said he needed to sort himself out first... so then i pushed him away and said if he wasn't coming back then he should just go. but he hugged me again and said he didn't want to. like.WHAT IS THAT?!! WHAT  THE HELL IS THAT?!!  and he kind of buried his face in my neck and i could breathe in his scent for a sec. and then his mom texted him to hurry up and he had to go.  so i slept over at laras that night; he texted her and said he didn't wanna hurt me again so we could be best friends for now.   what. a. LIE.  the next day brady came over to laras really early; 9 ish. we made pancakes and played mario kart and we couldn't stop laughing at everything. then we went for a walk to get slushies. :) and i accidentally beat brady up with a pillow, which i felt bad about. but ryleigh texted lara and asked if i was all over Shay the other night. lara said no, because i wasn't. ryleigh said HE told her that he didn't know i was at the game when he went... and when i saw him, i went up to him and started yelling and swearing at him and he hugged me once because i was crying.  that was the bittersweet.    uck. and i haven't talked to him since. yesterday lara and i hung out all afternoon, and then went to brady's game. shay texted her while we were there, asking to talk to me, but she didn't answer him. ashley and steve were there too, so we hung out with them. lara kind of had a mental breakdown though, becuase mat was there. today lara, declan and i helped ms backus kelly at the school for the morning, but Lara went to oakville until saturday this afternoon so i chilled at home and read all afternoon. She gets to see cirque de soleil tonight, lucky girl. 

saturday is leona and max's wedding. i don't exactly know what i'm wearing but i'll figure something out. sunday, i might be hanging out with lara and, yes, MAYBE Ryleigh, if mom lets me. Monday I'm stuck at home because Denise and Brigid are here. That blows because it's my last day before highschool, ever. That'll be the last day that I'm ever a gradeschooler. Oh well. Life sucks. and patrick is creeping me out, ALOT. i mean i kind of liked him but that went away pretty quick.

Here's my reading list for the next three weeks.

Stupid and Contagious- Caprice Crane
My Sister's Keeper- Jodie Picoult
Lessons in Duck Shooting- Jayne Buxton
Crystal Lies- Melody Carlson
Triskellion- Will Peterson
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants- Ann Brashares
The Second Summer of the Sisterhood- Ann Brashares
Girls in Pants: The Third Summer of the Sisterhood- Ann Brashares
Bee Season- Myla Goldberg
The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath
The Art of Racing in the Rain- Garth Stein

Piece of Cake.
I don't need a man.

*cough*

e v a x

Some say love is not for sinners
I believe that isn't true
'Cause when I was finished sinning
Love came down and showed me you

And you told me how to get there
So I tried to find a way
Then I ran into your garden
But I tripped out the gate
I tripped out the gate

What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you

Like a ton of bricks it hit me
And woke me from this dream
No matter how hard I tried to wash my hands
I could never get 'em clean
I could never get 'em clean
What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you

Can you hear me?
Cause I can't change what I'll always be



trip, by hedley.    "what are you doing to me? i'm so into you, and the hardest part is knowing that i'll never follow through."   

  Do you everfeel like you've been lied to? like just when things are getting good, they take another turn for the worse? bannigan and i have been talking all summer; nothing will ever come out of it.   shay misses me, he really misses me but he doesn't wanna get back together. because apparetly he doesn't like me as much anymore, and 'cuz we're going to highschool next year... diferrent highschools... he doesnt want to get back together.  so logan and i decided ... i would try to talk ashley into it, hed try and talk shay into it until they either take us back or hate us both.      i really can't stand life without him. i hate being here without him. i hate life without him. he keeps saying sorry; why would he tell me he misses me if he's not coming back? this would be easier for me if i didn't even know that.  if i thought he was just over it and he wasn't coming back.   

but he misses me, and he's not coming back. 
how much suck can be crammed into one situation.


so i slept over at jacks last night; we all did. it was alot of fun. we met up with dan and curt and steve and hung out with them for a bit at night... stayed up late.  then i got home today and hung out with lara; we were gonna leave a nerds box with a note in it on eryks door but thats the great thing about us being friends, we're both too chicken to do anything like that. so we just told him about it and we'll do it tomorrow, hopefully. speaking of tomorrow, we have our soccer finals. im nervous; ill go to bed at 10 tnight because i have to be at the field at 9 tomorrow. WOOP WOOOP. 

well im gonna go wallow in disappointment.
logey bear wants me to sleep with him.
blah.
somehow he's not quite shay aha.

eva_

up too early.  the family went to wonderland today; left me at home. wow, i have SUCH a great family. I was supposed to go with Ashley on Tuesday but my semi finals are that day; she got really mad when i cancelled on her.  this day is just getting worse and worse. i woke up really tired and i couldn't get back to sleep ; i wanna do something with ashley today but she's not answering me. patrick wouldn't leave me alone about the cat last night i wanted to kill him.   oh and... i dont know if i ever wrote about cutting before. but that happened again a few nights ago. it's kind of ironic because... after it happened, or after i finally showed shay, he made me SWEAR i wouldn't do it again.  and then logan made me swear too. and ashley, and lara.   and then the other night there was nothing i could do to make the tears stop, nothing i could do to make the thoughts go away so i went back to that place that always brings me home. and then i took a shower becuase i didn't feel like cleaning up and it stung like hell but it felt SO GOOD to know that i can still feel it. and it still takes the thoughts away. i put the words 'never love'  and ill add an i and a d and a you so it says 'i never loved you'.  i love lying to myself, its my favorite pass-time. i just wish he would come back. i need to tell him that i miss him. and that no matter how many times he says he's sorry its not OK because he's not coming home. i can hardly do anything anymore because he's everywhere...  i hate just lying on my bed because we used to just lie there and talk... i hate listening to my old cds becuase most of it is stuff he told me to dL. i hate being in the kitchen because i remember this one time we were making tea and he didn't want any he said but after i made it he wanted some so he just had mine lol.  and then we were out in the backyard and he pushed me up against the wall beside the window so my mom couldn't see and started kissing my neck and i nearly DIED. because it was a beautiful day and i was outside in my favorite place with the person i loved the most, and it was just perfect. see? i miss how it was. i miss how we used to laugh and have all these stupid inside jokes that no one got. i miss him. and i mean, when i asked him if hed ever wanna get back together he said maybe but you know we'll be at differrent schools and theres alot of other girls.   like fk, there were alot of other girls before. there were alot of other girls when i was at elgin and he was at westlynn. there are alot of choices out there. but i dont' want anything else. i don't want to love anyone else. i don't want to feel like that about anyone else, i don't want to feel that way with anyone else.  i wanted it to be him, you know? i loved him. i do love him.

why is it that people i love are always leaving? why can't they just stay a little longer, love a little longer, care a little longer. i know he still cares but fk if he really really understood this, if he really felt bad about how much he hurt me he would come back and stay with me. he SWORE he wouldn't hurt me.    i just read it all over; "I'm gonna promise you something Eva. No matter what, no matter what it takes or who it involves, i swear it's always gonna be me and you until the end."  

FUCK.

Shay apologized. You know, it doesn't matter how many times he tells me he's sorry and he can't sleep bceause he hurt me... it still hurts all the same.   </3  He came back, he apologized, he told me he still cared, told me deep down he loved me he just couldn't deal with it now. He told me that last night. I was absolutley wired all night, I stayed up thinking about him and wishing we could get back together because  i really MISS HIM.    but then i came back today and he was back to his normal shay self; not caring, not opening up, not feeling apologetic.  

Becuase he has no idea how much he hurt me.  He keeps saying he's sorry. he's losing sleep over this. but no matter how manyntimes he says sorry, he's not coming back, it still hurts, he's still gone. I miss him so much. I miss being with him, I miss hanging out with him... I miss his hugs and kisses and stupid jokes and mind reading capabilities and the dip in his neck and the freckle on his palm and the way his hair curled over his eyes and the way he used to smile at me. 

he left.
then he came back.
and now he's gone again.

and no matter how many times i tell him that it hurts, he still leaves.

FML.

 Have you ever had a moment in your life when you know things have changed, and you have to find the courage to drag yourself out of the darkness and face those changes? On the way back from driving Lara home today we were at the crossroads of Decou and Ireland when Shay drove by with Tammy. Our eyes just kind of locked... I was actually in my pajamas, listening to my iPod, just trying not to fall asleep. He just gave me this sad look, I couldn't even tell what he was thinking. It was kind of symbolic; he was driving away. He's always leaving. The people I care about are always leaving. That's what they do best. They Leave ; </3

So we lost 2-0 last night. I went down really hard on my knee on the last shot that went in ; it hurt so bad. And now i've got this huge patch of raw skin on my knee. So I was limping after. We went to the movies , saw Hancock, with joe and pat and allie. then Lara slept over but we were really tired so we watched the Olympics for a bit, then went to bed. I found out that Shay really likes Lynsey. FMFL.   But Eryks home... I don't really know what to do. He's single again. But pretty soon Logan will be too. Im almost scared to date someone other than Logan because somehow he always seems to find me again, pull me back towards him. I can't help it. He's addictive.

So... tonight is the banquet at church. I really don't want to know. I have to wear decent, non faded, no ripped clothing. I have to hang out with Joe and his friends. I have to eat food I would rather not be eating. I would rather wear ripped jeans and a faded t-shirt, hang out with my friends or talk to Eryk, and eat no food at all. Or just eat oreos. Either way, id be happy.

Brady's gone all week, which sucks. We were gonna hang out with him yesterday but he had to ump... and then he had to work all day today. So I probably wont' see him for two weeks or so because I may/may not be going to Ottawa in two weeks. I don't want to but I'm being forced. Ew.

Well i have to go clean my room and get ready. Mom is getting mad at me.

, evamariiie.

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears.  ♫

 about 10 minutes later, i've decided to compile some lyrics from my current favorite songs. here goes...

Beautiful Diaster , John McLaughlin
She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And all the magazines tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want
Trying to act so nonchalant
Afraid to see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way
Only 17 and tired, yeah

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home

Skyway Avenue, We The Kings
She said let's change our luck
this night is all we've got
drive fast until we crash
this dead end life
sweet dreams that won't come true
i'd leave it all for you
brick walls keep closing in
let's make a run tonight

blinded by the lights
hold you through forever
never let you go

cause if you jump i will jump too
we will fall together
from the building's ledge
never looking back at what we've done
we'll say it was love
cause I would die for you
on skyway avenue

she said don't change your mind
let's leave this town behind
we'll race right off the cliff
they will remember this
it all got so mundane
with you I'm back again
just take me by the hand
we're close to the edge

blinded by the lights
hold you through forever
never let you go

cause if you jump i will jump too
we will fall together
from the building's ledge
never looking back at what we've done
we'll say it was love
cause I would die for you
on skyway avenue

where are your guts to fly
soaring through, through the night
and if you take that last step
i'll follow you
leave the edge and fly
we're finally alive

cause if you jump i will jump too
we will fall together
from the building's ledge
never looking back at what we've done
we'll say it was love
cause I would die for you
on skyway avenue
so what's left to prove
we have made it through

Check Yes Juliet, We The Kings
Check yes juliet
are you with me
rain is falling down on the sidewalk
i won't go until you come outside
check yes juliet
kill the limbo
i'll keep tossing rocks at your window
cause there's no turning back for us tonight

lace up your shoes
A O A O ah
here's how we do

run baby run
don't ever look back
they'll tear us apart
if you give them the chance
don't sell your heart
don't say we're not meant to be
run baby run
forever will be
you and me

check yes juliet
i'll be waiting
wishing, wanting
yours for the taking
just sneak out
and don't tell a soul goodbye
check yes juliet
here's the countdown
3...2...1... now fall in my arms
now they can change the locks
don't let them change your mind

lace up your shoes
A O A O ah
here's how we do

run baby run
don't ever look back
they'll tear us apart
if you give them the chance
don't sell your heart
don't say we're not meant to be
run baby run
forever will be
you and me

we're flying through the night
flying through the night
way up high,
the view from here is getting better with
you by myside

run baby run
don't ever look back
they'll tear us apart
if you give them the chance
don't sell your heart
don't say we're not meant to be
run baby run
forever will be
you and me

Stay Young, We The Kings
Let's burn our dreams into the skyline
tattoo our sweat in tears
forever you and I
hold your breath till we cross the sundown
this is the moment
time is racing slow it down

cause you, a feeling i can't deny

we are only here for one more night
so scream it like you mean it
one more time
we'll tear down the building
come on come on
sing along whoa
come on come on
stay young

let's light the kerosene tonight
spark up like fireworks
exploding in the sky
kick down the new year and the future
we can't get closer here
the walls are falling down

cause you, a feeling i can't deny

we are only here for one more night
so scream it like you mean it
one more time
we'll tear down the building
come on come on
sing along whoa
come on come on
stay young
we'll be holding on to this so tight
scream it like you mean it
one more time
we'll tear down the building
come on come on
sing along whoa
come on come on
stay young

feel my breath I'm alive
when we're side by side now
Now, this is dedicated to you

come on come on
sing along whoa
come on come on
stay young
come on come on
sing along whoa
come on come on

we are only here for one more night
so scream it like you mean it
one more time
we'll tear down the building
come on come on
sing along whoa
come on come on
stay young
we'll be holding on to this so tight
scream it like you mean it
one more time
we'll tear down the building
come on come on
sing along whoa
come on come on
stay young
we'll be holding on

The Quiet, We The Kings
I'll stand
On my own two feet
Against you girl
I just can't walk away

I said,
I can't take it that easy
Wanna break you down tonight
Don't wanna waste another day

And it's not over just yet

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

Quiet
I will be
So sure
Calling your bluff
I think you lost
Your will to fight

And you know
I'll storm
Through your castles doors
Cause you know that I'm good for you
And you're scared of what you'll find

A love you won't regret

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

So open up
Your friendly fire
And let me be
The kill you're missing
Don't wanna see you
Close your eyes
Until this is over

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

All Again For You, We The Kings
I couldn't sleep last night
I walked alone
On the beach
Where we always used to go
When we couldn't hook up at home

I thought of you
And the time we jumped the fence
Both sides ripped down
We dove right in
And the cops chased us again

When you were mine
You know

We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt
the one you lost
I couldn't get enough

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you

Today, dressed up
In designer drugs
Dedicated to the one
I'll always love
The one who really messed me up

I let you take the wheel
And the driver's seat
Strapped in
So you get the best of me
Now what's left are the memories

When you were mine
You know

We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt
The one you lost
I couldn't get enough

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you

I am standing in the ocean rain
Rough and ready
For your deadly game
I've got nowhere else to go

We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt
The one you lost
I couldn't get enough

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you
(You know I'd do it all again for you)
(I swear I'd do it all again for you)

Six Feet From The Edge, Creed
Please come love
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to no where
And i'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

CHORUS
Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

I'm lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

(CHORUS)

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down
(repeat)

I'm so far down
Sad eyes follow me
Well I still believe there's something there for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me...
you an me...you and me

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down....
(repeat)

Please come now
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe...

Broken and Beautiful, Suzie McNeil
You fall apart and I run in from anywhere
Like cameras at an accident
My staring eyes, I wonder why I care
Maybe I’ll be frightened by the pain
But watch your tragedy again

Chorus
‘Cause you are broken and beautiful
And you’re so damn cynical
But I’m drawn in by the darkness in your eyes
And it’s beautiful
Broken and beautiful

Talkin’ you down from ledges to stay with me
I’ll touch your sharpest edges
I’ll be the one that holds your hand when you bleed
Falling off in pieces like you do
I would hand them back to you

Chorus

My favourite mess, like a magnet pulling me down until I drop
Call be obsessed with your sadness but I don’t want to make it stop

Chorus

And you’re not like usual
And I’m drawn in by the darkness in you’re eyes
And it’s beautiful
Broken and beautiful




kudos to lara for getting me MOST of this music. she is the cheese to my macaroni. :)

OMG ERYS HOME.  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs. <3
xox
evaMArie